The Number One Way We Frustrate our Kids

A friend tweeted a blog post today on how we exasperate or frustrate our kids. It got me thinking about a conversation I was involved with last week on caring for hurting teenagers. In some way, all teenagers (all human beings really) experience pain either because of something that has happened to us, as a result of our choices or a combination of both.

As parents (and caring adults in general), we have a responsibility to help our kids in the midst of their pain. They need us to be fully present, embodying grace, assurance and healing. The problem is that many parents are attempting to deal with their own pain at the same time their kids need them most. Marv Penner calls this “betrayal of pain.” He says that a teenagers’ deepest betrayal of pain is family, primarily dad. While we didn’t necessarily cause it, because our responses lean toward protecting ourselves rather than them, they feel betrayed. They need us and we’re emotionally unable to fulfill that God given role.

This is the number one way parents (especially dads) frustrate our kids.  It’s not because we’re bad parents. It’s because we’re hurting parents. If you have…

1. Attempted to control your home environment by barking orders because you feel out of control in other areas of your life
2. Cut your son or daughter off when their emotions appear to be out of control because it puts you over the edge
3. Attempted to diagnose their problem
4. Impatiently offered quick-fix solutions

it is likely because a painful obstacle exists to being fully present, attentive, listening and responding with love, compassion and grace. That obstacle is often our own relational and emotional “stuff” from the past, from work, or even in our marriage that has us locked up and unable to give our teenagers what they need. It frustrates them and leads to abrupt endings to conversations followed by angry retreats. The most damaging result is that it leaves them on their own to figure out how to make life work.

Here are some things you can do to begin to turn things around:

1. Seek help from a therapist, pastoral counselor or coach to work through your issues
2. Schedule regular dates with your children with one goal: to listen
3. Surround yourself with other men who are ruthless about having the best relationship with their teenagers as possible. Meet regularly for encouragement and accountability. Together, learn from the Bible what healthy relationships can be and determine what action steps you will take to get there; to win the hearts of your teenagers.
4. Most importantly, trust Jesus with all of it.

What are some ways you have found to connect with the heart of your teenager?

A good resource: How We Make Our Kids Angry: A Resource for People Who Want to Change. Available at http://ow.ly/3TwdR